La Mosca, La Cucaracha y El Zancudo

It was an extraordinary sight that day. I, La Mosca, was getting tired of looking in the usual city dumpsters for my next meal. The city doesn’t pick up their refuse fast enough. Besides, there’s always a few larger flies there to bully me out of a prime piece of bread or fruit, so I decided to go and see if there was anything to eat where the bums camp. They have no bathroom so it’s always a good place to get something fresh. Only thing was that I was, extremely, worn out from flying across the giant, gray road with those big metal beasts rolling by as fast as bullets. So I had to utilize some of my acrobatics that my abuelita taught me days ago so I wouldn’t be a “window decoration” as she always told me. I was panting so hard that I thought I was going to faint. I stopped and rested by the road.

It was a beautiful, sunny day. The sky was as blue as the creature that almost killed me seconds before I stopped. Cabron. I watched as the beasts ran by me as fast as they could go, hijole, they were in a big hurry for some reason. It was then that I saw it; a nice, big, fat lump of it sitting by the road and I was the only one around. I don’t know how it got there but I didn’t care! I was hungry! I plunged into it head-first. It was the best piece I had in a long time, sabes? It’s not everyday that I got that big of a meal like that so I hung around and tried to eat all of it. Pero, after that, man, I was stuffed! I sat near the end of the yellow line in the road to let it all digest, when all of a sudden . . .

Chale, I don’t even know how to explain it all; it was so wild! In the distance I heard the metal beast that whines coming in my direction. I looked to where the sound was coming from and then I heard one of its mates join it in its screaming tantrum. I didn’t know what to make of it. Ordinarily, I always get to a safe distance when I hear those locos coming my way because they faster and more psycho than any regular beast on the road. But for some reason unknown to this winged vato, I didn’t leave. I stayed in that spot staring into the horizon like I was in a trance. Those two monsters were plenty irritated if you know what I mean. I couldn’t see anything so I flew up to the steel beams on the side of the road. Straining my eyes, all of them as hard as I could to catch a glimpse, there was nothing but that blaring. All I could see were the monsters racing past me as usual but no sign of trouble.

“Hmm, que curioso,” I thought to myself. I could still hear the wailing as loud as ever but they hadn’t arrived yet. Just then, my prima, La Cucaracha, called to me from the ground.

“Oye, primo! Que pasa?”

“I don’t know, esa. Sounds like the wailing beasts are coming this way and they’re pissed as hell.” I answered flying to the ground to meet her.

“Did you see them?”

“No, but like I said, they’re puro lumbre.”

“Yeah, I could hear them all the way from the wash.” she said.

We listened to the screams closing in. Our little hearts pounded. It was like waiting for one of the sucios to get done with his “business” to me. You don’t know what to expect, well maybe you do, but not me. It was exciting!

“Oye, tegan cuidad! The monsters are coming! They’re coming!”

We looked up to see our other primo, El Zancudo, zipping towards as fast as he could. His expression was tense and his eyes bulged as wide as buttons. He was panting so hard when he got to us we thought he was going to explode. It took him a couple of moments to catch his breath. The thing with this vato is once he talks, it’s non-stop, just like our loudmouth neighbor, La Chuparosa.

“Oye let me tell you! You won’t believe it! The most amazing pinche thing I ever seen!” he said frantically.

We had to wait a minute or two for him to calm down about what he was going to say before he even started.

“I was minding my own business, verdad? My old lady and me got into a fight and I was pondering all the ways I was right but that’s neither here nor there, right? Well, I’m trying to get a drink of water when I hear the screamers coming towards me. I didn’t know why but I was scared of them this time, sabes? They seemed really mad so I fly a little towards them to see what they’re mad about and BAM!! I came this close to joining my jefita in Aztlan! One of those pendejos almost killed me, I’m telling you! He came within inches of this!” He waved three of his hands in front of his skinny face. “This is my livelihood, man! I can’t let anything happen to it!”

La Cucaracha looked at me and rolled her eyes. I did the same. Seriously, Zancudo ain’t that cute.

“So what happened?” I asked.

“Anyway,” he continued, “as soon as I was close enough to see que pasa, I see that they’re chasing this old dude. I mean this metal creature was old-old! And he had a broken foot but he’s still hauling his butt like it’s on fire, sabes? And they’re really after this vato so I dart off trying to catch up to them and that’s when I see a bunch of humans riding on the old vato’s back! Can you believe that? As fast as they were going I’m surprised they didn’t fly off with how much they weigh and all, sabes? And these dudes were hanging on the monster like it was their jefita! They weren’t gonna let go of it. They held on with all of their might! And those screamers! Hombre! I never seen ‘em chase after another one like that before! He must’ve messed around with their sister or something because they were after his butt with everything they had, y’know? And every beast ahead of the viejo was getting out of its way to let him pass. They weren’t gonna get involved in that shit. Even they knew he was in trouble. I kind of feel sorry for the old monster. I mean, he’s just and old dude and those screamers are so young. Why would they bother an old thing like him? Pero, man! The viejo could hold his own! I could tell! He was running faster than those whiners and they were younger than him! Now, ain’t that something! Isn’t it? Huh?”

He panted softly, his eyes practically leaping from his head.

Suddenly, as though a human foot was plummeting towards us, we jumped in astonishment as the wailing beasts and the old monster were within feet of us! We froze as the screams grew louder. We didn’t know what to do, the screamers sounded mad as hell. Cucaracha said something but I couldn’t hear her, they were so loud! I saw the viejo speeding towards us like a hungry bat. I could tell he was scared. We were in their path but we couldn’t move. We stayed there like pendejos just waiting for them to mow us down! They came no further than six feet of us and the viejo finally gave up and stopped right in front of me and my primos! Like, within centimeters!! He almost killed us! We panted something fierce as we checked ourselves to make certain we were still alive. The humans riding on the viejo’s back jumped off and sprinted into the woods behind the metal barriers; they were hauling ass, hombre!

“Que ‘stan haciendo?” Cucaracha asked.

“Quien sabe. Must be dinner time.” I said.

That’s when the screaming creatures arrived. It defecated two, big pale humans and ran towards the viejo. They had this tan fur with these golden shiny things on their chests. In their hands were two long, dark sticks and they wielded them with hate.

“Oye, let’s go over there so we can watch!” Zancudo said.

We all flew up to the tree where I sat earlier. We watched as the feos dragged two other humans from the viejo’s stomach. They looked different. Their skin was brown in color, and their fur wasn’t as clean as the feos. Plus, they looked scared. Really scared. We sat there, our mouths agape as the morenos crouched near the viejo, the feos screaming at them. Cucaracha, who was lagging behind, finally reached our spot.

“Que pasa?” she asked.

“The feos are yelling at the morenos.” Zancudo said in a trance.

“What are they saying?” she asked me.

I shrugged, “Quien sabe, they’re screaming too loud.”

We three watched as the feo with more hair on his head raised his black stick and brought it down on the moreno with as much strength as malice. He was really working the vato over with that thing. My heart went out to him. Pain raced through his face with every impact the stick brought. He was in agony. But that wasn’t all! No senor! He started kicking the guy, too! And that’s all it was – swing after swing, kick after kick. I’m surprised they didn’t kill him.


Pero, la cosa es que I don’t think the moreno understood him.He kept repeating the same thing:


But I haven’t even mentioned the other feo! He was bald and twice as big as the hairy one. His eyes were as black as night and like El Diablo! He dragged another of the morenos out of the viejo’s belly. She was a lady and looked terrified. He showed no mercy with her and beat her down just as viciously as the other feo; it made me sick. She looked like a little girl getting beat by her papa. She cowered like a trapped animal. There wasn’t any place for her to go except crouch and take every furious, hateful blow. It looked like she was going to cry but what good would that have done her? Those feos didn’t give two pedos about their defenselessness. It only seemed to juice ‘em up! They were unarmed, cowering, hands up in submission. They didn’t care.

“Chingado! They’re beating the hell outta those poor things!” Zancudo exclaimed.

“Why isn’t anyone stopping them?!” Cucaracha asked almost hysterically.

I looked as other beasts slowed down to watch the carnage then speeding off on their way after they got bored.

“Damned if I know, “ I said, “maybe it’s a new sport or something.”

We nodded. And still the sight continued.

WHAM-WHAM-WHAM went the hairy feo’s stick on the moreno’s back.

SLAM-SLAM-SLAM went his foot into his side.


WHACK-WHACK-WHACK went bald feo’s stick on the morena’s back.

We could see the rage in their faces every time they brought their sticks down. The bald one’s face was red, veins bulging from his neck, jaw tight as a vice grip, black hate radiating from him. It was enough to make my skin crawl.

And then . . after it seemed he tired out from working the poor guy over, the young feo took the moreno and held him tightly against the old monster. The bald feo took his cue and took the morena and slammed her face into the side of the old monster! We all cringed at the sight, imagining our own faces hitting the surface.

More screaming creatures arrived and more feos were shit out of their bellies to take the poor morenos away to do, quien sabe. An even older monster came to take the viejo away after the screamers departed. Gone back to the pit from whence they came.

We were speechless. We had no words. Witnessing something unspeakable was the last thing any of us imagined when we woke up that morning and it was so brief and violent. It was like a hurricane or a bolt of lightning that leaves nothing but destruction and pain in its wake and gives you nightmares for the rest of your days. It was an awkward moment for me and mis primos, La Cucaracha, El Zancudo. No one said anything; I don’t think we had the heart at first. Then Zancudo spoke up and said:

“Chale! They call us dirty and disgusting!”



I was the Big Bang.  From nothing I came to illuminate the world with my majesty.  Chalé, those vatos didn’t have a clue. It was back in 1964 A-fucking-D in the unkind winterland of Lansing, Michigan.  First, in my jefíta’s womb; the blazing inferno that formed me, my body took on its earliest of many forms. At the zenith of this form, I glowed like a woman’s true love.  Chinga, I embodied it: Hot, too hot for any hombre to even touch. They poured my essence into a huge concrete tub cut to fit my next form. From there it seemed like I died; straight to Heaven and back again.  My heat slowly faded into oblivion, like it never existed. In this, amigos, my rebirth once again complete, they pulled me from my stone sarcophagus. They put me on this moving road with all these dudes I didn’t know standing on both sides.  Starting off slowly, the gringos, mojados and prietos added my skin. The one thing I did hate about myself, the skin these cabrónes chose for me; mint green. Chinga!


Y entonces, they put me back on the moving road.  From there, I truly came to life. They added my organs, the ingredients that would awaken me.  Sparks flying, they added my limbs, two arms, four feet, two eyes in the front, two in the back.  All in all, I looked good.  They call me 64 and any chica would swoon over me.  Y ya estúvo, I reached my perfect form. Shining like a distant planet I impressed the most fickle hombres.  Sleek and shear, I could take off like a bullet. I had the speed of a freight train, more beautiful than Rita Hayworth, the grace of a deer and a voice that came straight from the heart of the tierra.  I roared, amigos, without saying a word and yet, everyone heard me. From there, Hermanos, they sent me to a building where other vatos like me sat waiting. Waiting for what? No sé. Weeks passed with me sitting in the exact same spot.  I watched other compadres leave. And when they left, they cried out as if they had been freed from bondage. People came in, looked them over and left with them. My compadres had become their children. They belonged. My yearnings to belong also increased.  I wanted to have a familía. I imagined the care a familía would give to one of their híjos and it put lumps in my throat. I wanted to be loved, appreciated. Months passed and nothing happened. Y pues, one day I started to grow weary of my lonely existence. In walked a young kid, probably twenty years old, with his padres.  They looked at all of the other vatos first, then me. Soon, they had some kind of argument with a hombre. He walked into a room and came back with something in his hand. He gave it to them. Before I knew it, the kid crawled inside my body. He felt heavy and I never sensed anything like it before. He inserted la llave into one of my orifices y hijolé!  My eyes snapped open and I took my first breath! My heart hammered inside. I felt my entire body quivering with life. I believed I could fly! So, this is what being alive feels like. Me encanta! I thought. Freedom looming over the horizon, pride filled my heart. I belonged. I had a jefé y jefita?! They would care for me, perhaps even love me. As my feet felt their first sensation of hard asphalt, I cried out to tell Him that I was alright.